[Re] Focusing

After a little more than four years studying in a college abroad, I think there is one essential truth in every college student's life-- the truth that sometimes, we just need to examine ourselves one more time to see if we are truly on the right track. Most of us college students are prone to wander while pursuing what makes us passionate due to the burden of schoolwork, fitting in, and being away from family. I know I've experienced all of those in light of being so far away from home. However, I do believe that sometimes, it's good to go easy on ourselves to give our tired minds a break from studying. Still, going easy on ourselves may cause more harm than good if it causes us to lose focus of doing what we really love.

The past few months before summer I felt like drowning. I felt so worn out and overwhelmed by the demands of my major. I was also pressured to mask my true self because I felt intimidated by my classmates who are so much smarter than I. It seemed to me that the purpose of my life is either to master my courses or be mastered by them. I lost my focus. I drowned myself either in trying too hard to be the best in my class or in not trying at all because there is a host of people more talented than I. I lost hope. As a result, it was a thoroughly confusing time.

But then I realized that I was bird trying to be a turtle. I realized by comparing my aspirations and talents to those of others was as silly as a bird trying to be equals with a turtle. What an absurd idea! Turtles are what they are--their flaws, natural beauties, and all. In the same way, so are birds with their own unique physical abilities. Turtles cannot fly like birds do, but they can dive deep into a lake or a body of water to avoid predators or to just be a turtle.

This summer, something inside me woke up. I shook off the looming cloud of depression and self-disdain and took a good look at myself and my surrounding problems. The problem was so absurd and obvious I started laughing. I laughed so loud, my parents came knocking at my door because they were curious, too. Of course a bird doesn't fit in with turtles-- they're two different kinds of animals! I was letting myself off the hook too easily to see what the problem really was. I was trying to be someone I am not. Just as a bird can never be a turtle, so can I never be someone else.

Since then, I've tried to re-align myself to see what stirs my passions. This summer was a confirmation period to me that everything in life will be better once I stop looking at other's talents and start pushing myself to give everything my best shot. I've taken the focus off competing with others and realized that the only true competitor I have to worry about is myself.

Focusing on my aspirations as a writer and a student will be tricky once I dive in to my senior year. Though this problem varies from one individual to another, focusing on a long-term goal has been one of my weaknesses. Using terms from Track and Field, I am more of a sprinter rather than a distance runner. Re-focusing myself on the things that really matter will be a recurring theme.

I'm graduating soon, which means I'll probably have to start pursuing my dreams a little faster. But that wouldn't be a problem anymore. I know who I am, what I'm capable of, and what I'm made of.